So, I’m Autistic

I just received my autism diagnosis last week (to the day) and I’m currently in the process of getting my official ADHD diagnosis and it’s all that’s been on my mind lately.

Processing My Life Through A New Lens

The realization that many of the things I’ve struggled with all of my life weren’t necessarily my fault is overwhelming. To realize that my struggles were REAL and that I just didn’t have the capacity to do the things I was trying so hard to do and crashing when I couldn’t. It’s a lot.

Not to mention coming to the realization that I am indeed disabled and need the help I have inadvertently been getting from my dear husband and parents to function in life.

Within this though, is the overwhelming desire to forgive myself and offer so much grace because it really wasn’t my fault, it really wasn’t from a lack of trying and I’m not lazy or ‘not trying enough’. I was always trying as hard as I could, and that’s okay now.

I mean, some moments I have zero idea what I’m going to do with my life because I spent SO much time, SO many years trying to improve. Trying to fix what was ‘wrong’. Trying to break out of this invisible thing that has been holding me back and tripping me up for as long as I can remember. It’s sobering to realize that this whole time I have been disabled and didn’t know it.

Well, maybe on some level I did know because I’ve always felt something was different with myself – which is how I ended up being misdiagnosed for the past 20 some odd years as bipolar.

With that diagnosis [bipolar], I was still treated as if my ‘issues’ were my fault, that I was in control of my behavior – specifically my meltdowns and my ‘stubbornness’.

In fact, that wasn’t true but because I was being held fully responsible for my inability to conform to societal norms, my life became isolated, difficult to navigate and I simultaneously became disliked, misunderstood, avoided, left out and ostracized most times.

There are still areas of my life being affected. Situations and dynamics I am still ‘stuck’ in because of decisions I made years ago in a bad place that now I have to learn to navigate myself out of.

My life has been turned upside down it seems and I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and need some time – time it feels like I don’t have available because, well, life…

I’m aware it’s going to take some time to fully process things – especially since I’m still in the process of getting diagnosed ADHD (meeting with my psych tomorrow to determine just where on the ADHD spectrum I fall) and will undoubtedly need some time to digest that as well.

All in all so far, I can’t say this has been a bad experience as it’s mostly been pretty positive.

Unmasking

I’m re-learning myself, or shall I say learning myself fully for the first time.

I no longer feel the need to force myself into round holes when I’m a square peg, you know?

Let the process of un-masking begin!

Masking is basically doing your very best to hide your neurodivergent (in my case autistic and ADHD) traits. This takes a tremendous amount of energy and causes an extreme (in my case) amount of stress and anxiety which in turn exacerbates other wellness issues like gastrointestinal disturbances, high cortisol levels, autoimmune responses and more.

In my opinion, unmasking is a very important part of the process of late diagnosed adults.

I am allowing myself to stim freely, express my autistic joy when it happens and I give myself the time and space to decompress and ‘come down’ after a very stimulating experience.

I proudly snuggle with my weighted plushies, wear my headphones/plugs, I’m investing in handheld games (Nintendo Switch), weighted blankets, tinted glasses for light sensitivity and I am actively assessing myself with an emotion wheel to ensure I pay attention to when I am getting over stimulated and noticing which environments overstimulate or are uncomfortable for me.

It’s all a process, but one I enjoy. Finding out different sensory adaptations, accommodations or tools, trying them out and seeing which work best for me.

For instance, I am finding that fidget toys help me focus while speaking so now when I podcast, I’ve decided to always have a quiet fidget toy and can hold and handle while I walk around the room while recording helps too!

It’s almost like a puzzle of myself that I’m putting together to make my life easier to live.

Sometimes I can’t believe my diagnosis. Mostly because it has been something I had questions about for most of my life and to finally have the answers feels surreal. I’m just trying to allow myself to process this – hence me writing about it now.

I also feel a strong need to advocate – not just for myself but other AuDHD, Autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people 50+ as there is very little information coming from our perspective out there despite the growing number of us now getting diagnosed.

I have so much to say about all of this and feel it may be taking over all of my content for a while. I have no problem with that – this is therapeutic for me and may help someone else.